Posts tagged ‘fear’

August 31, 2011

An Ineffable Experience

by Dev B

Prologue

I am going through one of the toughest period of my life. It is impacting me physically and emotionally but yesterday was just a normal day. Usual my day was good and evening…. There is some problem between evening and my life. I born in evening and seems evening has a problem with my birth. I was feeling low due to things happened in evening. I reached home around 6PM today.

After that, I started things, which I do normally, aimless palavering with a close friend on net. Chat started well but it turned into a hot discussion. It is all because of my fear to loose good people. Fear is man-killer. Fear forced me to accept that I already lost in my life. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration.

The Experience

I closed my laptop and went to sleep at 1 AM. I felt I closed lots of things with laptop. I was thinking about lots of things, specially things which happened recently. I felt a sweet pain near upper chest around 1:30 AM. My mind and heart ignored it, both were busy with something else but it didn’t helped. I couldn’t find comfort with sleeping position so decided to go out from my bed and walk in fresh air. I was in my balcony around 2:30 AM. I felt comfort in fresh rainy wind but this comfort lasted in moments. In the back of my mind and heart, I was thinking about chat and my life. I felt sweating on my face and my arms were feeling very tired and achy. I just took coldest water bottle out of the fridge. I was not thirsty but completed full bottle in one breath. I rushed back to my bed at 2:47 AM and intentionally didn’t switch off lights.

A drop of water came out from my left eye and went down from my face. Many other drops followed same path. Right eye  was not tearing but there was moist in it. I was staring at fan. To comfort myself, I closed my eyes and suddenly from nowhere thousands of faces appeared,  most of them were unknown but felt they must had crossed my life in some way. They were unknown but known faces. I was trying recognized them. I opened my eyes but faces were still there. I was able recognize at least five of them, they were not happy.

I can’t tell you what really it was but I felt someone squeezed my heart and squeezed  till it became weightless. It was unbearable pain. I could feel unusual movement of my  of squeezed and empty heart, It was moving all around and randomly in my left lung. I pressed my heart but my hand was not favoring me. My heartbeat was very slow and it was going down and down. I was not able to move my limbs. It was pin drop silence but I was not able to hear my heart beat. Time was something around 4 AM in clock (I am not sure about right time).

One by one all faces were vanishing. Suddenly everything got painted in black. Don’t know when I stopped feeling pain. All I can see is black and All I can feel is blank. It was heavenly feeling.

I don’t remember what happened after this feeling.

Epilogue

Alarm, which I set on last Sunday night, rang at 6:30 AM. I can still feel a pain near my heart. I closed my eyes and woke up at 8 AM, that too,  because of  a call. I decided to not to go office. I went to temple at 10:00 AM and left temple at 12:30PM.
Now I back to my laptop (my life), with an ineffable experience. I did first thing after coming back is, pinged my friend and said sorry.

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July 24, 2011

कुछ कही बहुत अनकही

by Dev B

जो बात  थी कुछ कही बहुत अनकही

पर सारी अनकही भी थी वहीँ कहीं

कभी जो एहसास कही गयी न कभी

वो एहसास है हर तरफ यहीं वहीँ

 

सब तो जानते थे वो नकही अनकही

फिर भी जब कही गयी कुछ अनकही

शब्दों का आभाव था पर भावना वही

सारे मनोभाव अब पर ख़ामोशी यहीं

 

पूरनमासी पर भी लगा डर वही

फिर जल्द आ जाये अमाबस नहीं

आसमान देखा तो चाँद दिखा वहीँ

चाहे जो हो कल जीले ये पल यहीं

 

जीने की प्यास न थी कल तक कहीं

आने वाले कल की तलाश अब नयी

आज की आस बहुत खास बनी वहीँ

साज हर अब कहे यही जीले बस यहीं कहीं

– Dev B